It’s 2am on a Saturday morning… I slept since 9? I think… I didn't check the clock, so maybe it was closer to 10, but in any case I knew I was exhausted. My brain was physically hurting. It still is.
Just yesterday during dinner, I discovered an email telling me I had gotten a job. it was the job I had applied to two weeks ago. My heart exploded with excitement, I felt like I was radiating heat from every inch of me. I was with my extended family at the time and so I was able to share my news with many people that were happy for me, too. And then because that was not enough to express my newfound joy, I reached out to a few close friends wanting to spread the word.
This gave me an opportunity to reach out to my best friend who had moved away a while ago, and our contact is sparse, but we still care deeply for each other. I realized that I still hadn't updated her on the most pressing matters, the bad news that had changed my life forever and is still changing it in ways I can’t even comprehend.
So, after recounting the good exciting news, I gave her a quick disclaimer before sharing my bad news. Finally, after all this time, since the beginning of the year, my best friend knew my struggles.
It really dampened the mood. I cried.
Honestly, I hate that I still have this hanging over my head and that it has the potential to ruin every happy moment I’m feeling currently. It’s been a constant stressor. especially recently because I feel that my reality is at exact odds with my desired ideal — my perceived reality — and since those things are clashing and literally can not exist at the same time, my mind and emotions have been constantly at war as to what I need to accept and what I want to accept.
I know one day I’ll feel whole again — at peace — but today is not that day. I still have a long journey ahead of me. So, for now, I’ll focus on the positive: I got a new job, one I was really excited for, and I’ll be able to support myself with the money I earn from it. I’m stepping into a new chapter in life. New possibilities are presenting themselves, and though I’ve still got old baggage, I might as well keep moving forward.
- Pink Cat
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